It is Sunday and I should be (need to be) at church today. Husband works 7 days a week (not an exaggeration - he has 2 jobs and on just the one job had 30 hours overtime last paycheck) and Boy Child has such issues that one person (especially me) cannot take him to church and remain sane or shunned. I realize this should be a bigger priority in trying to maintain some sort of normalcy in our lives, however, how do you not work to make money to pay the bills even though you don't even make enough money to pay the bills? It is a bit of a quandary in our house at the moment. I was raised to attend mass every week regardless of where you were or what you were doing. I was raised to say my prayers each night and be thankful for the gifts I was given. I relied on God to help me through and to give me strength when I was afraid or picked on or lonely. I rejoiced with Him and thanked Him when He helped me succeed and kept me safe during one of the many stupid things I did. Then I got confused along the way and made bad choices and life got very tough for me and I didn't follow the graces of God. I begged Him, I cursed Him, I ignored Him. I abandoned myself and my family. Thankfully, He did not abandon me. He brought new friends into my life that helped me and guided me and showed me that all was not lost and that I was more than what I had become. I broke free and started over, and then life took me in yet another direction. I found my husband. I thanked God for bringing him into my life about a thousand times a day, each day, every day. Four years later we married. One year later he quit his job to become self-employed. Four months later Diva was born. Life after that has been a series of ups and downs, laughter and tears. Four years later Boy Child was born. For the last four years it seems we have all been living our lives around Boy Child. Husband is no longer self-employed full-time. We will be married 10 years this Friday. We have many things in our lives to be thankful for. But we have come to a crossroads in our lives when a lot of different things went bad and we now had to claim bankruptcy and will be losing our home and husband's work vehicles. My daughter will no longer be able to attend her catholic school. We are in desperate mode to find a home in a better public school district than we are in now - one that we can afford and one that can fill the needs we have (and no I'm not meaning built in pool or jacuzzi tubs). We need to find this before the end of August so that I can have her enrolled in whichever elementary school it is that coincides with the location of our new home. We thought we could save the home but the mortgage company wouldn't work with us (believe me I tried for 7 months to restructure our mortgage with them) and the bankruptcy courts wanted to take all but $500 of our paychecks each month for the next 6 years. We (nor would anyone) be able to survive on that for utilities, food, gasoline, daycare, insurance, etc. for the month. Well, you get the picture.
I tell you this about my life so that you can understand that I'm not perfect. I do not live a perfect life. I don't have the security to rely on family to babysit or anything like that, I do not have the husband that cleans the house or does laundry or takes Diva to basketball or softball, or came with me to obstetrician appointments or cooks dinner regularly. No, I do all that. He works and works and works then eats and sleeps. I work outside the home 3 days a week. There are rare instances when he will take a day off (he will of course beat himself up for it) but we all do get to spend a day together now and then. So for me the Love is always there ~ I may have to push away some clouds to get to it but it is always there. My husband is still my Knight, I love him. We tell and try to show our kids that every moment of the day. Therefore, we find Joy in them and the innocence they bring back into our days. This then brings me Peace some nights. I'm working on trying to find the inner Peace and trying very hard to keep the Peace but some days are hard. Patience is not as easy. It is so hard to have the Patience when you have Boy Child. Dealing with his ADHD and tantrums and defiance and you have to repeat yourself over and over and over and over and over and over. Trying to make a game out of everything just so he will focus and stay on task gets tiring. Mix that with the Diva whom he takes his aggression out on and the typical sibling chaos kicks into overdrive. Whew. Sometimes I lose it. It isn't pretty. It has taken me 3 hours to write to this point in the blog. There have been so many interruptions and daily duties to take care - patience. Kindness and Goodness and Gentleness are something that I think are always there. However, I tend to be snippy and defensive and not so tolerant as I should (hence the working on the more patience). I try to work on this more with Diva since she sometimes gets the short end of the stick. Faithfulness. My Faith in knowing that God is always with me is strong. Though I should be more able to let go and let "Jesus take the wheel" but my fear gets in the way. I have taken up the habit of praying the rosary before I go to sleep, it calms me. Self-control can be perceived in different ways. I think that I have self-control out the waazoo when you consider that I haven't cracked up with the events in my life but then I have no self-control when it comes to stress eating or the internet. I really need to get a hobby. To sum it all up I am not the best disciple of God. I do not do a great job of spreading his word and I do not know any Bible stories nor have I ever read the Bible. I do know that he is shepherding me through these events in my life for a purpose. I do not know what the purpose may be but I'm building character and strength from the events brought to me so far and my family will prevail. We will be stronger as a family, we will have better faith in the Lord, and we will learn to rely on each other more for daily support. It is a stepping stone to the Graces that God bestows on each of us.